


It's Just...

by ToDanceBeneathTheDiamondSky (LiaIsInLove)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Anorexia Nervosa, Anorexic Harry, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, EDNOS, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, Harry Has An Eating Disorder, Harry Styles Has An Eating Disorder, Harry-centric, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Mental Illnesses, Mental Instability, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Harry, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-05-01 20:10:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5219201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/ToDanceBeneathTheDiamondSky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not that he can’t eat. It's just that...</p><p> </p><p>Or the one where Harry explains his eating disorder.</p><p>Trigger Warnings</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Just...

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [It's Just...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2703026) by [LiaIsInLove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove). 



> Okay. This one is loaded. But I am so incredibly serious when I say DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED. I don't care who you are, if reading this might cause you any harm, then I am begging you not to. I know that there are plenty of you who will read this anyways with the purpose of triggering yourself, and for those people, I am begging you not to. It's not worth it, and I can preemptively say that it's just fan fiction, real life is better anyways, you're not missing anything crucial to your life, and I'd much rather you be safe and happy having not read my writing than miserable and in a dangerous place having read it.
> 
> To those of you who do read this, do not fool yourselves into thinking that the issues I am discussing are at all romantic. Do not think that mental illness is merely a plot-line to be used to romanticize the suffering of characters and add drama to a plot. Because it is not. It is not something that you wish upon anyone, real or fictitious, and it is not something that you desire to have for 'attention.' Do not read this purely for the angst, and then go comfortably off thinking that this was a good story line. This is not beautiful, this is not fantasy, and this is not simply a plot-line.
> 
> This is about living with severe mental illness. It is from the point of view of someone who suffers from several mental illnesses, and subsequently may seem like it condones some extremely harmful and dangerous behaviors. This is from a perspective distorted by disease. THIS IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER JUSTIFIES, CONDONES, OR MAKES LIGHT OF ANY DANGEROUS BEHAVIORS OR THOUGHTS. There is one line in particular, referring to someone who is ProAna as "crazy." I feel the need to say once more that this line is from the diegetic perspective, it does not reflect reality. People with anorexia are not"crazy," they are sick. For that matter, so are all people suffering from mental illness. It is so incredibly offensive to call someone crazy or psychotic, or even refer to people as mentally ill. That's reducing someone to only their disease; their disease does not define them. And it is not their fault. Just as you wouldn't refer to someone with Leukemia as "that Leukemic."
> 
> Eating disorders are some of the most deadly mental illnesses out there. They should not be poked fun of or made light of.
> 
> Alright, more notes at the end. But seriously. Please do not read if you are not in a safe place.

It’s not that he can’t eat.  No, Harry can eat just fine, thank you.  And it’s not that he doesn’t want to eat, well he doesn’t but he still kind of does.  And it’s really not that he thinks it’s healthy to not eat; he knows he needs to eat to function like a normal human being.  It’s not that. It’s just…Well…See, the thing is, Harry can eat when he needs to.  Like when they have a busy day ahead and he knows he needs his energy, he’ll eat breakfast and maybe a small lunch and even dinner if it’s going to be a late night. Or when Niall bakes cookies and expects him to try them.  Or when the boys want to all get dinner together.  Or when he grabs a handful of whatever junk food someone has out to make it seem like he’s always eating without a care in the world.  Or when anyone is watching him, really.  He eats when he needs to.  And he knows that he needs to….Sometimes…(it’s just that those sometimes are way too often for Harry’s liking)

It’s not that.  It’s just that…

Really, he knows it’s stupid, and it’s not healthy, but he can’t help that he feels better when he’s in control. And it’s not like it’s out of hand (yet).  Because he can eat when he needs to and he recognizes that he needs to.  And it’s not like he’s delusional or anything. It’s not like he thinks other people think he’s fat.  Or that he even really thinks he’s fat.  He feels fat, and he looks fat, and he tells himself he’s fat, but he knows those are just his thoughts.  He knows that he’s skinny (underweight), and if anyone saw how he really looked, they’d tell him he was too skinny (even though he feels like a cow).  And it’s not like he thinks anorexia is healthy and other people should do it; he’s not some ProAna disease-stricken crazy or anything like that. He’d never condone ProAna and encourage others to starve themselves (he just wants to do it himself). So it’s not like he’s really sick or anything.  And it’s not that he’s even that unhealthy, or putting himself in danger.  It’s just that…(he wants to)

He’s not even on a strict diet or anything. He doesn’t count calories or weigh himself (because that would be suspicious).  He just isn’t really hungry (he tells himself), and the idea of food when he doesn’t want it makes him a bit queasy sometimes (and he wants to lose weight).  But he doesn’t do all of the things that an “Anorexic” would do (except that he must be doing something right because you can count his ribs, and his spinal chord protrudes from his back like a serrated knife, and his collar bones are like swords, and his elbows look too big for his arms, and his fingers and scars are tinted purple, and there’s a lovely gap (that’s not big enough) between his thighs when he puts his ankles together, and it hurts so incredibly badly to sit on hard surfaces, and sometimes he gets really dizzy and his vision goes black if he moves too fast, and people tell him he’s too skinny (they’re just jealous), and he thinks about food all of the time, and he can’t sleep anymore, and he’s just so tired).  He doesn’t do those things because they would arouse suspicion and that would lead to people butting their big fat noses into his business and telling him what to do and trying to make him stop, or worse, trying to understand.  Plus, it takes way too much effort, and Harry’s just too tired (lazy, he’s a fat-assed lazy pig) to do count calories and exercise constantly (he’s tried it in the past, but it gets scary really fast and he’s too much of a coward to keep it up).  And if he did those things, then he might actually lose control (and he needs to be in control).  Anyways, if someone were to notice (which they would) then they’d have proof that he was actually doing something bad versus if he doesn’t act like an Anorexic then he can always feign innocence (I’m not trying to lose weight or anything, I promise. I didn’t even realize. It must just be the stress) and they have no evidence or reason to make him stop.  So he doesn’t see any problem

It’s not that.

It’s just that…well the truth of it is, it’s just that he can’t escape the thoughts.  And it’s just that he can’t eat normally.  Sure he can have a meal or two, or a few days of ‘normality’ when he’s visiting his mum where he doesn’t want to arouse suspicion so he eats (and he’s too tired (lazy) to bother with the strict diet).  But he can’t ever stop thinking about how much weight he’s gaining, and how he’ll compensate and make up for it later.  He can’t stop reminding himself that he’ll lose the weight again once no-ones watching or once he doesn’t need to be fully alert and functioning at the top (he’s never at the top) of his game.

It’s just that he can’t stop himself from wanting to lose weight, even though he knows that he doesn’t need to. And he can’t stop himself from wanting to be so sick that people know, just by looking at him that he’s sick. He wants their sympathy. He wants people to see him and think, “Oh my god, that boy is a skeleton, he must be so sick.” He wants strangers to be disgusted and appalled by him.  He wants everyone to mourn for him.  He wants Liam to cry over him.  He wants Zayn to pray that he will be okay.  He wants Louis to try to fix him (once he’s fully and irrevocably broken, past the point of no repair). And he wants Niall to hold his hand. He wants to be able to throw it in everyone’s faces: “See I really am sick. You didn’t believe me. You didn’t see it, but it’s real. I was just smarter than you. Better at hiding it. But it’s real. It’s not all in my head. And you were just too selfish to try and save me. See, you don’t really love me, you didn’t even notice, you let me do this to myself, you don’t care.”  He wants all of that, but what Harry wants above all else is to starve himself to death. And that’s the truth of it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP. If you or someone you know is suffering -- and I mean suffering -- and struggling with an eating disorder, I urge you to please seek the help that you deserve. I promise, you deserve it.
> 
> International Resources:  
> http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/international
> 
> U.S. Resources:  
> http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/resource-links  
> http://www.anad.org/eating-disorders-get-help/eating-disorders-support-groups/
> 
> Online Resources:  
> http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/online-eating-disorder-screening  
> http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/information-sheets/
> 
>  
> 
> Here's the deal: THIS IS NOT PLAGIARIZED! I wrote the original story, like every other story I write, as Niall-centric, and posted it to my main account LiaIsInLove (and can be found at  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/2703026). The reason why I wrote and posted this story is because I've been wondering for a while now how people might react differently to my stories if they were not Niall-centric. Basically, this is a personal experiment to see if, by writing Harry or Louis centric and shipping Larry in the story as opposed to my usual ships of Narry or Ziall, I might get more feedback on the story (I didn't get much on the orignal version and I know that Larry is a much more popular ship than Narry and Harry-centric is more popular than Niall-centric).  
> So if my reasoning behind this doesn't make sense to you, which it probably doesn't, allow me to further explain. As a hardcore Nialler girl, I find myself having reached the point where I only read Niall-centric stories. I know that I am absolutely limiting myself to a small percent of the stories written and missing a lot of absolutely great stories purely because they are about someone other than my fave. And it's not like I haven't tried to be more open-minded when it comes to reading, it's just that unless it's about Niall, it literally does not hold my attention, no matter how well written and great it is. I cannot explain it and I feel awful about it because I know I really am missing a lot of great fics by being so narrow-minded when it comes to what I do/don't read. Okay, so my point here is that I'm sure at least some of you are like this as well, not reading a story unless it's about your fave. So I'm trying to open up my stories to a new market, to see if I can get the messages across that way. Because I write about some important issues, and I don't want my writing to only be limited to the same group of readers, I want to reach as many people as I can with my writing.  
> So in short, yes, this is a personal experiment, but it's also more than that. In writing, I hope to spread awareness about mental illness, and let people know that they are not alone. So if I can open up my writing to new audiences, then I will. So that's what I'm trying to do here, and what I will be trying to do on this account. (But to clarify, in my mind, this story is still about Niall).
> 
> I'd love to know what you have to think about it. 
> 
>  
> 
> Please remember to be kind to yourself, patient and compassionate with others, smile, laugh, spend time with people who make you happy, and above all else, remember that "kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."  
> Do not give up. Do not lose faith. Stay strong. Each and every one of you are worth it. I'm going to leave with a wonderful quote, "To the world, you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world."  
> If you ever need someone to talk to, or encourage you, or believe in you, or you just need a friend, I am always here for you. So please don't ever think that you are alone, because you are not. You can find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> I love you all so much and I hope that each and every one of you find the happiness and peace in life that you deserve.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


End file.
